The best speech ever!

In honor of Valentine's Day I thought I would share the toast I said at my sister's weeding.  A lot of people have asked me about about this.  How did it go? What did I say? Yada, yada, yada.  The plan was to record it and post it so everyone could see it.  Unfortunately, due to technical difficulties and an excessive consumption of alcohol, the videographer (a family member who shall remain anonymous) was unable to capture the awesomeness of the speech on video.  I did produce numerous laughs, some embarrassing head-shakes, and a few "oh gods" from family and, more importantly, my sister.  You'll have to take my word on how people reacted.  However, I did want to share with people my speech.  While you might not get some of the references, I figured that by sharing, I could potentially help you with your maid of honor or best man speech.  Feel free to "borrow" some of the things I say.  I guarantee you will get a few laughs. It is a little long, but aren't all the best speeches?

Maid of Honor Speech – Stacy O’Neill

Good evening everyone! My name is Stacy and for those of you who don’t know, I am Sarah’s little sister.  I want to apologize in advance for this speech because I am not a public speaker and am actually quite nervous.  If everyone can just bear with me I will try to make this speech as painless as possible for everyone. 

I’ve spent a good amount of time working on this speech.  Quite a bit of that time was spent just staring at the computer screen.  I had no idea where to start.  Then I realized what better a place to start than with my sister.  Sarah and I have known each other for a little over 20 years.  I think back to when I was little and I wanted to be just like her.  I remember rocking out to N’Sync cds and playing Mario Kart with her.  As we got older she became more mature and I was just the weird little sister.  Sometimes though, if I was really lucky, she’d let me sleep in her room with her after she got home from hanging out with her friends.  Those were the nights I lived for.  She was my role model. I looked up to her in every way possible.  She was this cool, independent woman and I wanted to be just like her.  Even after she moved away she always kept in touch me.  She was always telling me the new things that happened in her life.  I loved it. 

I remember hanging out with her at my grandma’s and she casually let it slip that she was seeing someone.  Chris, this is where you come in during the speech.  I have never seen my sister act so giddy.  Every time her phone dinged she would get this huge smile on her face and giggle to herself.  For five hours she went on about this guy.  I’m not kidding.  Five straight hours was spent talking about this guy.  I’m pretty sure Sarah recited every word Chris ever said to her.  I had never seen my sister like that.  Whenever I talked with her after that she just had new stories about him.  The way my sister acted was that of someone in love.  I knew it early on, but of course I didn’t tell her.  I wanted her to figure that out on her own.  When Sarah told me Chris was coming for Christmas I got excited.  Finally I could meet this mystery man.  I mean sure, I had talked with Chris on the phone, but meeting him in person was totally different.  I even practiced what I would say to him.  You know, what are your intentions with my sister?  Do you like her?  If you hurt her, I will hurt you.  Those types of things.  Then Christmas Eve at my nana’s came.  I walked in and saw my sister.  She was glowing.  She pointed to this man across the room and was like “That’s him over there.”  So of course I walked over and put out my hand for a handshake.  Yeah, Chris went in for a hug.  He just acted like we knew each other.  That’s when I knew he was serious about my sister.  There was no need for intimidation; I knew I’d see him again.  A few weeks later I got a phone call from Sarah.  She said Chris proposed and well you all know the rest.  I mean, come on, we are at their wedding.  I think I can save you all those details.

When I look at Sarah and Chris I see two peas in a pod.  I have never seen two people fit so well together.  They share the same dreams and aspirations.  They would literally do anything for the other person.  They share the same values and hopes.  Through major life changes and everyday hurdles, Sarah and Chris have shared a mutual love and trust.  They both understand that a relationship requires commitment and compromise.  These qualities will no doubt come in handy as a married couple in years to come.

Speaking of handy qualities, I thought I should offer some words of wisdom to the newly married couple about married life.  For those of you who are skeptical about my knowledge, don’t worry, I went to an outside source for this.  Isn’t the internet the next best thing since sliced bread?  I searched high and low and found quite a bit of advice.  I stumbled upon this poem called “All the Things I Really Need to Know, I Learned in Kindergarten”.  I thought these life lessons would apply perfectly to Sarah and Chris’ marriage.  So here are my words of advice:

Wash your hands before you eat

Don’t hit people

Play fair

Say you’re sorry when you hurt someone

Put things back where you found them

Share everything (including the bedcovers)

Clean up your own mess

Don’t take things that aren’t yours

Flush

I cannot stress that last one enough.

I myself would also like to add a few tidbits of advice for a successful and happy marriage.

Always remember to say those three important little words……”You’re right dear.” And if you’re clever, you’ll always have the last word.  However, if you are very clever, you won’t use it.  Remember a marriage is made in heaven, but the maintenance work is to be carried out here on earth. 

We are all gathered here today to celebrate everything that Sarah and Chris have found in each other- a best friend, a lover, a teacher, a playmate, and a true partner for life.  As you both sit side by side through this roller coaster of life, may you remember to scream from the peaks, hold hands through the dips, laugh through the loop de loops, and enjoy every twist and turn you face.  The ride is better because you both share it together.  Individually you two are pretty remarkable people, but together you are complete.  May you both continue to grow in love, not forgetting the importance of forgiveness, understanding, and tolerance.  Most importantly though, may you always remember the love that brought you together today – a love so strong that you decided to share it forever in each other’s company.  Today you are joined together as man and wife to commence that long and wonderful journey of growing old together.

On behalf of the bride and groom, I would like to thank everyone for sharing their special day.  It is a true milestone in their lives and I know they are both very thankful.  On behalf of myself, thank you for being a trooper through this speech.  I would like to now share this short poem by Ogden Nash before I wrap this up.

To keep your marriage brimming,

With love in the loving cup,

Whenever you’re wrong admit it,

Whenever you’re right, shut up.

Now it gives me immense pleasure to invite you all to stand and raise your glass in a toast to Sarah and Chris.

May your lives continue with equal joy.  May your love be like the wind, strong enough to move the clouds, soft enough to never hurt, but always never ending.  Oh and Chris, a happy wife, makes for a happy life.  To Sarah and Chris and love, laughter, and happily ever after!