Depression: My Story

So many people suffer from depression and feel their only way out is suicide.  Every single day a person takes their own life because they can no longer deal.  What people don’t realize is that a kind word or a little wave can save a person.  One small act change a person’s life.  What many people don’t know is that I have depression.  I suffered in silence for a long time and then a little over a year ago I was formally diagnosed with Generalized Depression.  This means that I do not have certain things that trigger my depression.  Instead everything, in a way, could make me depressed and cause me to go into a solitary retreat.  When I found out I told some members of my family.  Their reactions were not what I thought they would be.  I got “People in our family do not get mental illnesses”, “They misdiagnosed you”, “You do not have depression”, and my favorite “You are lying.”  They did not realize that what they were doing was making me feel worse.  Here I was sharing with them a very personal detail and they were just tearing me down.  They made me feel like having depression was a shameful thing and I should never mention it again; I should hide this detail of myself from everyone.  They wanted to get me retested and re-diagnosed.  They said I had a couple ‘breakdowns’ but that was no reason to say I was depressed.  I felt alone.  My family, the people I thought would understand more than anyone else, was saying what I had was not even real.  It took a long time but, after my parents talked with my family, they finally realized that what I had was real.  I was suffering and it was nice to know that my support system was actually going to support me.  Today, my family always calls me to chat and secretly check up on me.  They send me encouraging texts “just because”.  I know why they do it but I can tell you that it means more to me than anyone will ever know.

What a lot of people do not realize is that no person’s depression is the same.  To tell a person you know what they are going through because you too have depression is one of the worst things you can say.  So many people have said that statement and it truly hurts like a knife in the heart.  No one can feel your pain.  No one can relate on that level.  What they statement is basically saying is that “You are not that special.  I suffer too.  Look at me, I am living life and I am happy.  Stop complaining and be happy too.”  While your intentions may be pure, to a person with depression they only see the underling meaning of those words.  Depression is a solitary experience.  People cannot “fix you”.  All they can do is be there to support you.  Since depression has no “cure” (mind you, I hate using that word) everyone who has it will live with it for the rest of their lives.

Those with depression have suicidal thoughts.  I never really thought I had them until I met with a psychologist a while back.  We talked about everything and I shared with her every moment of my life.  While she was asking me questions, the topic of suicide came up.  I realized in that moment that suicide was something that I had thought of before.  It was never an option or something I wanted to do but it more so that the word was just a word that I had thought of.  I had read about young adults who took their own life because they were depressed, people who saw this as their only way out.  To them, suicide was the “cure”.  These were people who kept their struggle private.  They never told their friends or family.  What I realized, along with my psychologist, is that I needed to tell people.  So on top of telling family I also told a few close friends.  Being in college, it is a lot easier to lean on a friend who lives down the block then on a parent who lives in another state.  Now that does not mean that I do not call my parents at 11 o’clock at night when I am crying and can barely breathe.  Oh I guess now would be a good time to mention I also have Generalized Anxiety Disorder which causes me to suffer from anxiety attacks every now and again.  Typically when I get very depressed I have panic attacks on top of it.  So anyways… Like I was saying I know my friends are there for me but there is just something about your parents saying “It will be okay” that truly makes you feel like everything will in fact be okay. 

I have never been shy about my disorders.  I never thought of it as something I should be ashamed about.  Some people have scars, some people have six toes, I just happen to have a couple mental disorders.  If you want to mock me for it go ahead.  Just make sure you are 100% perfect before you do so.  I am sure you aren’t because no one is perfect.  Well no one except Queen B cause let’s be honest, that woman is FIERCE (and yes I did the little finger snap when I wrote that).  But yeah, I have some inner demons that I fight every day.  I have my ways of dealing.  Although I am very open with whom I am, most people aren’t.  Many will not just come out at say they have depression.  Instead they will drop little hints that most people will not notice.  I'm going to be kind and let you know these hints so that YOU can help out your friends.

1.       They tend to find excuses to not go out.

2.       They say they will go out and then cancel at the last minute.

3.       They do go out but are very quiet.

4.       When asked ‘what is wrong’ they will look at the ground and say ‘nothing’.

5.       They will not respond to text messages for days.

6.       They lay in bed constantly.

7.       They sleep a lot.

8.       They refuse to eat or eat a bite and say they are full.

These are all signs of depressed people.  These are also signs of a very exhausted college student.  Depression is not black and white.  It is hard to tell who has depression because those who have it generally try to hide it.  We will not be waving a flag letting people know we have a mental illness (well most won’t).  If you think a friend has depression you need to sit down and talk with them.  If they deny it, just keep talking.  You need to let them know you are there.  Let them know there are numbers to call and people to talk to.  Whatever you do, do not say you know what they are going through, do not say this will pass with time, and ABSOLUTLY DO NOT SAY that they need to be happy.  Depression is not something that can be fixed in a matter of minutes.  It takes time and it takes support.  All I ask is that you be someone’s support system.  Without my support system and the help I have received, I do not know where I would be.  So thank you to my friends, family, and everyone is between.  You all helped me in more ways then I could ever mention

A Time For Change

I have recently stumbled upon this app called Poshmark.  It resembles Ebay put it is focused on women. They sell everything from clothes to accessories to shoes.  I highly recommend looking there is you are in the market.  I was lucky enough to sell my first item just a couple days ago.  Besides selling items, I also purchased a pair of Steve Madden booties and a pair of Coach high top shoes.  Suggested retail price is about $350.  I purchased both pairs for less than $90.  I recommend downloading the app and checking it out.  You will not be disappointed.

Also, check out my closet!
https://poshmark.com/closet/soneill27

Societies effect on the body

There are very few things I hate in life, but one of them is the way that people look at me.  Now I am not saying I hate when people look at me, but rather the way some people look at me.  Because I am a female I am expected to be skinny, tan, and wear minimal clothing.  If you know me, and even if you don't, I am not that type of person.  I am pale skinned.  I am curvy.  I love sweatshirts.  Yet, people have an issue with the way I look.  It is not their fault.  It is societies.  Yes, I have talked about this before on my blog.  But it seems that no one is listening.  Society has only gotten worse about it.  I love food.  I will eat it all.  If you don't finish your food I will probably eat that too.  There are days where I tend to dress like a homeless person.  I wake up at 7 in the morning.  I AM NOT and WILL NOT put makeup on because it will make me pretty.  I would rather sleep.  I have no issues with how I look.  I am neither gorgeous nor ugly.  I am just me.  I snort when I laugh.  I burp when I have to much carbonation in my stomach.  I prefer over-sized sweaters and leggings over short-shorts and crop tops.  I never feel insecure with how I look.  I never have an issue with how I look.  Other people do.  I go out and girls snicker at me for not being "pretty".  Guys won't talk to me because I am "ugly".  I once had a guy tell me I was ugly.  He said it straight to my face.  Did it hurt?  Yeah a little.  But I went home, ate a quesodilla,  and watched some television.  I did not cry.  I did not go out and buy makeup.  I was not going to change my appearance just so some scumbag would appreciate me.  Not a chance.  I am me.  If you don't want to be seen with me, then so be it.  I will find people who will.  You will not hurt my feelings.  I could honestly care less.  I hate how society pegs this "perfect woman".  Please show me who this perfect woman is.  No celebrity is perfect.  Photoshop, now that's perfect.  I guess what I am trying to get at (in a roundabout way) is that you need to stop caring what people think of you.  I know that it is easier said than done.  There was a point in my life where I cared so much what others thought.  Not anymore.  And guess what, now I am happier than ever.  People should like you for who you are and not what you look like.  Be happy with yourself.  You are beautiful.  Do not let anyone tell you that you are not.  

The best speech ever!

In honor of Valentine's Day I thought I would share the toast I said at my sister's weeding.  A lot of people have asked me about about this.  How did it go? What did I say? Yada, yada, yada.  The plan was to record it and post it so everyone could see it.  Unfortunately, due to technical difficulties and an excessive consumption of alcohol, the videographer (a family member who shall remain anonymous) was unable to capture the awesomeness of the speech on video.  I did produce numerous laughs, some embarrassing head-shakes, and a few "oh gods" from family and, more importantly, my sister.  You'll have to take my word on how people reacted.  However, I did want to share with people my speech.  While you might not get some of the references, I figured that by sharing, I could potentially help you with your maid of honor or best man speech.  Feel free to "borrow" some of the things I say.  I guarantee you will get a few laughs. It is a little long, but aren't all the best speeches?

Maid of Honor Speech – Stacy O’Neill

Good evening everyone! My name is Stacy and for those of you who don’t know, I am Sarah’s little sister.  I want to apologize in advance for this speech because I am not a public speaker and am actually quite nervous.  If everyone can just bear with me I will try to make this speech as painless as possible for everyone. 

I’ve spent a good amount of time working on this speech.  Quite a bit of that time was spent just staring at the computer screen.  I had no idea where to start.  Then I realized what better a place to start than with my sister.  Sarah and I have known each other for a little over 20 years.  I think back to when I was little and I wanted to be just like her.  I remember rocking out to N’Sync cds and playing Mario Kart with her.  As we got older she became more mature and I was just the weird little sister.  Sometimes though, if I was really lucky, she’d let me sleep in her room with her after she got home from hanging out with her friends.  Those were the nights I lived for.  She was my role model. I looked up to her in every way possible.  She was this cool, independent woman and I wanted to be just like her.  Even after she moved away she always kept in touch me.  She was always telling me the new things that happened in her life.  I loved it. 

I remember hanging out with her at my grandma’s and she casually let it slip that she was seeing someone.  Chris, this is where you come in during the speech.  I have never seen my sister act so giddy.  Every time her phone dinged she would get this huge smile on her face and giggle to herself.  For five hours she went on about this guy.  I’m not kidding.  Five straight hours was spent talking about this guy.  I’m pretty sure Sarah recited every word Chris ever said to her.  I had never seen my sister like that.  Whenever I talked with her after that she just had new stories about him.  The way my sister acted was that of someone in love.  I knew it early on, but of course I didn’t tell her.  I wanted her to figure that out on her own.  When Sarah told me Chris was coming for Christmas I got excited.  Finally I could meet this mystery man.  I mean sure, I had talked with Chris on the phone, but meeting him in person was totally different.  I even practiced what I would say to him.  You know, what are your intentions with my sister?  Do you like her?  If you hurt her, I will hurt you.  Those types of things.  Then Christmas Eve at my nana’s came.  I walked in and saw my sister.  She was glowing.  She pointed to this man across the room and was like “That’s him over there.”  So of course I walked over and put out my hand for a handshake.  Yeah, Chris went in for a hug.  He just acted like we knew each other.  That’s when I knew he was serious about my sister.  There was no need for intimidation; I knew I’d see him again.  A few weeks later I got a phone call from Sarah.  She said Chris proposed and well you all know the rest.  I mean, come on, we are at their wedding.  I think I can save you all those details.

When I look at Sarah and Chris I see two peas in a pod.  I have never seen two people fit so well together.  They share the same dreams and aspirations.  They would literally do anything for the other person.  They share the same values and hopes.  Through major life changes and everyday hurdles, Sarah and Chris have shared a mutual love and trust.  They both understand that a relationship requires commitment and compromise.  These qualities will no doubt come in handy as a married couple in years to come.

Speaking of handy qualities, I thought I should offer some words of wisdom to the newly married couple about married life.  For those of you who are skeptical about my knowledge, don’t worry, I went to an outside source for this.  Isn’t the internet the next best thing since sliced bread?  I searched high and low and found quite a bit of advice.  I stumbled upon this poem called “All the Things I Really Need to Know, I Learned in Kindergarten”.  I thought these life lessons would apply perfectly to Sarah and Chris’ marriage.  So here are my words of advice:

Wash your hands before you eat

Don’t hit people

Play fair

Say you’re sorry when you hurt someone

Put things back where you found them

Share everything (including the bedcovers)

Clean up your own mess

Don’t take things that aren’t yours

Flush

I cannot stress that last one enough.

I myself would also like to add a few tidbits of advice for a successful and happy marriage.

Always remember to say those three important little words……”You’re right dear.” And if you’re clever, you’ll always have the last word.  However, if you are very clever, you won’t use it.  Remember a marriage is made in heaven, but the maintenance work is to be carried out here on earth. 

We are all gathered here today to celebrate everything that Sarah and Chris have found in each other- a best friend, a lover, a teacher, a playmate, and a true partner for life.  As you both sit side by side through this roller coaster of life, may you remember to scream from the peaks, hold hands through the dips, laugh through the loop de loops, and enjoy every twist and turn you face.  The ride is better because you both share it together.  Individually you two are pretty remarkable people, but together you are complete.  May you both continue to grow in love, not forgetting the importance of forgiveness, understanding, and tolerance.  Most importantly though, may you always remember the love that brought you together today – a love so strong that you decided to share it forever in each other’s company.  Today you are joined together as man and wife to commence that long and wonderful journey of growing old together.

On behalf of the bride and groom, I would like to thank everyone for sharing their special day.  It is a true milestone in their lives and I know they are both very thankful.  On behalf of myself, thank you for being a trooper through this speech.  I would like to now share this short poem by Ogden Nash before I wrap this up.

To keep your marriage brimming,

With love in the loving cup,

Whenever you’re wrong admit it,

Whenever you’re right, shut up.

Now it gives me immense pleasure to invite you all to stand and raise your glass in a toast to Sarah and Chris.

May your lives continue with equal joy.  May your love be like the wind, strong enough to move the clouds, soft enough to never hurt, but always never ending.  Oh and Chris, a happy wife, makes for a happy life.  To Sarah and Chris and love, laughter, and happily ever after!

Dreams

When I was 5 I wanted to be a gymnast.
I was told no because I didn't have the potential.

When I was 7 I wanted to be a signer.
I was told no because I didn't have a good voice.

When I was 9 I wanted to be a cashier at Jewel-Osco.
I was told no because that's not a logical job.

When I was 11 I wanted to be a fashion designer.
I was told no because I didn't have good style and I could not draw.

When I was 15 I wanted to be a Speech Pathologist.
Finally people encouraged me.

It didn't make me happy though.
I decided to no longer pursue that career.
I got yelled at for making a stupid decision.

When I was 19 I decided I wanted to be a cop.
Everyone told me no.
It was a stupid career move.
I was a woman.
I could never do it.

Now at 20, I want to be anything I can be.
As long as it gets me out of here.
Isn't it sad that once you get older,
dreams don't matter as much as escaping does?

Change is coming

2014 has been quite the year for me and, yes, I know, it's only the beginning of February.  This year did not start off quite the way I wanted it to.  I rang in the new year upset.  Even though I was surrounded by others I still felt alone.  Within a week I was sick and a trip I had been looking forward to was cancelled (but not because I was sick). Mother Nature I hate you.  I came back to my apartment after a month of being away only to realize that my hot water (which only lasted a maximum of four minutes) was now only lasting a maximum of one and a half minutes.  At least I was looking forward to my college classes.  I mean I was finally taking the classes I wanted and not the classes I needed.  Finally things were turning around.  FALSE.  Within two weeks I had decided to break up with my boyfriend.  I was with him for eight months.  It felt weird being alone.  I missed him.  Earlier today I quit my job.  I mean so many different things have happened to me.  This is a complete 180 from last year.  But I have hope for the future.  I applied for an internship and I am declaring my major within the next month.  So I mean things are going to start looking up.  I just need to keep a positive outlook on life.  There's a saying that goes "Be strong, because things will get better.  It might be stormy now, but it can't rain forever."  I truly love that and I wholeheartedly believe that. 

The People Who Stay

If there is one thing I learned in my life it is that people will come and go.  Some people are meant to teach you lessons.  Others are meant to pick up your broken pieces.  Some are meant to make you grow.  It does not matter who it is; each person is there for a reason.  I have had my fair share of people come and go.  I have had my heart broken and I have broken a few myself.  I have cried and I have laughed.  I would not have it any other way.  Yet there are some things I have noticed.  There are some people in my life who have been there with me through it all: the tears, the laughter, the silly ideas, the late night phone calls, and the stupid mistakes.  I focused so much on those who came and went that I forgot to focus on those who have come and stayed.  My friends.  I have no idea what I would do without them.  They have dealt with me at my best and my worst, especially this past week.  I was a roller coaster of emotions.  I mean now I am happy and amazing, but, my god, this last week was crazy.  I was all over the place.  If it wasn't for them I do not know if I could have done it.  They are all truly amazing.  They are people I never want to lose in my life and I just want to say thank you to them.  Some say you never really appreciate what you have until it is gone, but, trust me, I know just how lucky I am.  I am lucky I realized it now and not when it was to late.  These people are the best things that have ever happened to me and I just hope that one day I can be as good a friend to them as they are to me.  

Curling of the lips.

I love to smile.  Sometimes I smile so much that my face hurts.  Typically when that happens I laugh so hard and smile even bigger.  There is just something about a smile that I love.  Maybe it is how the lips curl upwards or maybe it is the way a smile changes the whole face.  You get dimples and your eyes squish together.  It is beautiful.  A smile speaks volumes about a person.  You can smile without showing teeth or you can smile with.  Either way it's breathtaking.  The best thing about a smile though is the way it infects others.  I do not care what people say, smiles are contagious.  People always ask me why I am so happy.  It's simple.  Just because I'm having a bad day doesn't mean I have to bring others down as well.  I will always smile and laugh.  It's contagious and I love infecting others with the happy bug.

My dad and I love to smile :)

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

So a couple days ago I was on Instagram and this woman posted a photo of herself in the doctors office with the caption "getting ready for the test".  She explained how she was getting her skin tested because there were abnormal cells.  She said how she thought that she should be this beautiful woman who was tan, tall and skinny.  She would starve herself so her thighs didn't touch and would tan to an extreme.  Now she is facing the possibility of skin cancer.  Do I know this woman?  No.  I follow her because she makes custom Toms shoes and I love them.  She has posted a few photos of herself and she is very pretty.  To see this woman open up to random strangers and say how she tried to be societies idea of "perfection" and how it might end up killing her was heartbreaking.  Today little girls are growing up with the idea that anything bigger than a size 2 is fat, white skin is frowned upon, being tall is ideal and having luscious blonde hair is sought after.  I will admit when I was younger I wanted blonde hair, tan skin, and a tiny waist.  I would watch what I ate and dye my hair.  Then something struck me.  Why did I care what others thought of me?  I loved food and I wanted to eat it.  Hell, I ate the food my friends didn't eat.  Yes, I did gain a little more weight.  But who cares?  I have curves, I have brunette hair, I have pale skin, and guess what, there is someone out there who likes me for myself.  He is great and tells me how much he likes me the way I am.  Sure, there are men out there who prefer the skinny, tall, tan woman.  There are also men out there that prefer the 5'5, pale, curly haired red head.  There is a man or woman (depending on who you prefer) out there for you.  Trust me, I know.  Never change yourself to please others.  Make yourself happy and someone will come and find you.  And if you aren't searching for someone than so be it.  Do not alter your appearances because society tells you to.  Do what you want and screw everyone and everything else.  

Words of a poet.

I am an avid reader.  Whether it be my juvenile delinquency and justice text book or a my favorite sonnet by William Shakespeare, I love to read.  Every time I go to my Nana's house I "borrow" more books from her.  I use quotes because she thinks I steal them while I think I borrow them.  I mean, hey, I return them.  Sure it takes me about a year but at least I give them back.  That's got to count for something right?  Well any who, the point is that I read.  My favorite thing to read is romance with poetry a close second.  I could read sonnets, haikus, etc. forever.  I thought I would share some poems with you.

All poems were found on Pinterest.

I'm back :)

Yeah, yeah. I know it's been a while since I've last written a post, but hey, I'm a busy person.  So much has happened to me since my last post way back in April.  Then again it has been 6 months.  Some things were bound to happen within that time.  So here, let me give you the low down.

May: Finished up a semester of school and started talking to this guy.  
June: Went to Vegas with said guy.  
July: Moved to Arizona with my Aunt for a month and started dating said guy.
August: Moved into my first apartment and started my junior year of college.
September: Started tutoring inmates at the local jail for their GED.
October: Saw my boyfriend for the first time in 3 months and MY SISTER GOT MARRIED!!!

Oh and did I mention I was the Maid of Honor?!?  For those of you who have yet to experience the Maid of Honor title, let me fill you in on a few things.  First, prepare to eat, sleep, breathe wedding.  You're going to start to wonder if you're actually the one getting married.  You will hear colors that you never knew existed, such as peek-a-boo pink and mellow yellow.  I'm still not sure what those colors even look like.  Second, be prepared to eat a lot.  Seriously though, you will consume ungodly amounts of food.  The worst part is that you cannot say no.  You must do it "for the sake of the wedding".  Yeah try telling my favorite pair of jeans that.  Third, you must make sure your phone is with you at all times.  It is an unspoken law.  If you leave your phone alone for five minutes you WILL receive 30 text messages, 12 picture messages, 8 missed phone calls, and 6 voice mails.  I'm not kidding.  We both know how annoying that little voice mail icons are at the top of the phone.  Fourth, you cannot eat.  I know, I know, I just said you will eat ungodly amounts of food.  Yeah it sucks.  You have to eat but not eat at the same time.  There is this thing called a bridesmaids dress and if you don't fit into it, bridezilla will unleash scary things onto you.  Speaking of bridezilla, AVOID HER AT ALL COSTS.  The groom will say it is your responsibility to control her.  Wrong.  So, so wrong.  It is his job.  If he wants to marry her then he can deal with that.

But when the day comes, you forget everything that has led up to the day and you just accept that what's done is done and what's not been accomplished will not happen.  As long as the bride and groom are happy, you have done your job.

But yeah, that is why I have been busy and unable to write.  But have no fear, I will be blogging constantly.  Maybe not everyday, maybe more than once in a day.  Who knows, because I sure don't.

Photo courtesy of Jane Hasty.

Check out her website here:

http://www.janehastyphotography.com/

Oh hey there.

I never forgot about writing this blog. I simply just have not had time. Between college, work, working out, and trying to breathe I just have not had a minute to relax. Most of my creativity time has gone towards poems. I am sorta in this in-between state right now. Neither happy nor sad. Simply just living. Going about my days with no plan or action except to stay alive and do what I need to. I have had a lot happen to me in these past few months that I am not even sure what this life is anymore. But then again I am only 19, verging on 20. I have all this time left to figure out what life is. So today I breathe, smile, and go about my day. I will figure out what I am supposed to do with this life I was given. Today isn't that day. Tomorrow? Probably not. Maybe next month, year, decade. Until then, well I don't exactly know. Follow me and find out. 

Zumba

So this weekend I started my six week plan to get fit.  I joined a Zumba class.  We meet twice a week for six weeks.  Each class is fifty long grueling minutes.  After that I ride a bicycle for thirty minutes and then abs for twenty.  Sometimes I go to the gym other days as well with a friend.  I swear I have never sweat so much.  It's disgusting.  But I do not care.  My body hurts like nothing I have ever felt.  But it is a good kind of hurt.  The kind where you know you did something great to get it.  I go to bed exhausted but wake up feeling better then ever.  And it is not just exercising that I am doing.  I am also eating healthy.  I mean I am sad to have to give up my favorite sandwich ever, the Pepperoni Melt, but a chicken salad is pretty good.  Yeah I have to put time into this, but in all honesty I really wouldn't be doing much else.  Maybe watching tv and stuffing my face.  So instead I am working my gluteus maximus off.  Granted I have motivation to do it.  I have a wedding in eight months.  I have to stand up in front of everyone and I will make damn sure that I look good.  I am the maid of honor.  I will not look anything other than amazing.  That is my first priority.  Granted my grandma thinks I should be more worried about finding a date.  Um yeah no.  I'd rather look hot.  I'll craigslist a date a week before the wedding and pray he's not completely creepy.  But for now I shall sweat out all my worries and stress and maybe, just maybe eat one Pepperoni Melt for old times sake.

Randomness.

It's Friday and I wanted to post something but couldn't figure out what to write. So here are pictures to describe me.  So yeah, my life.  

I did it to my college professor last semester. I hate my life.

How I feel about my books for college.

AND FINALLY...

My motivation.

Set your alarm for 6 a.m.  Don't groan when it goes off and pull the covers over your head, get up and start your day.  Put on a baggy top and running shorts.  Go pour yourself a nice big glass of ice water.  Cut up some fruit and mix it with yogurt.  Add some granola.  Now go outside.  Stretch for 10 minutes.  Skip for 5 minutes.  Jog for 10 minutes.  Run for 10 minutes.  Walk back to the beginning.  Lay on the ground.  Proceed to do 50 crunches.  Yes it will hurt when you are done but it will be worth it.  Now climb in the shower.  Use some nice smelling shampoo and matching conditioner.  Shave your legs and wash your body.  Exfoliate your face.  Get out of the shower and let your hair dry.  Look in the mirror.  Do you like what you see?  If you do, good for you.  Do this every day and you will continue to love yourself.  If you don't, do this every day and pretty soon you will.  Being lazy might feel good at the time, but being active feels better in the long run.  How badly do you want it?

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

This is my motivation.  Between going to the Dells over spring break (hello bathing suit), summer (bikini season), and my sister's upcoming nuptials (standing in front of everyone is a short dress), I have never been more motivated in my life to get into shape.  I don't want to get scary skinny, just fit.  A little toned in my arms, a little tinier in my waist, and a little thinner in my thighs.  I figured if I can motivate myself to keep this up by hitting each goal (spring break-March, summer-June, and the wedding-October) then not only will I be rewarding myself with a kick ass body but maybe, just maybe, I will treat myself to a new pair of shoes.  So if I can do this, me, a candy loving, T.V. watching, carb-o-holic, then why can't anyone else do it too.  Sure my personal words can only hit you so deep but take what I wrote on top and print it out.  Put it over your bed.  Stick it on you mirror in the bathroom.  Hang it on the door of your closet.  Cause maybe if you read it enough it will cause you to want to do it.  Do it once a week, then work to twice a week, and then eventually you will be doing it every day.  I have faith in you just like I have faith in me!

Mildly freaking out.

For most people this was just another weekend.  For me this as anything but.  Late last night I received a phone call from my sister.  She informed me that her boyfriend, Chris, asked her a very important question.  Of course I immediately asked what the question was.  It was then that she half said/half screamed that he popped the question.  Of course I screamed and ran around in circles.  I am not proud of it but it happened. As soon as I stopped freaking out she proceeded to ask me a question: would I be her Maid of Honor.  Of course I said yes and this brought on another round of screaming and running in circles.  When I finally calmed down, again, she gave me full details and told me everything that she had planned.  Tonight I talked with her for an hour and a half about wedding details.  I have only known for 24 hours.  I can tell that this will be the first of many long, detail oriented, stressful calls.  The thing is though that I cannot wait for the next call.  I cannot wait to come home periodically to help her and Skype her when I can't.  This is a big task for me to take on and I would not do it for anyone but my sister.  I am so happy for her and her new fiance Chris.  She deserves so much happiness and she found it with him.  They are the cutest and most adorable couple that I have ever met.  They give me hope that love exists and someday I could be like her.  So for now I want to celebrate her new engagement and soak up all the awesomeness before things start to get hectic.  So this is for Chris and Sarah.  May their love grow stronger each and every day and may they live long and prosper.  

My sister and my niece. So happy for the 

both of them as well as Chris (not picture).

I'm back!

After a month of being awol I am finally back.  Between studying for finals, the holidays, and a lot of personal issues, I did not have time for casual writing   I missed it greatly but there was no time for it.  At points I wanted to write but I  couldn't.  I just couldn't.  One thing I will say is that writing again is nice.  I am no Shakespeare but I do believe I can write a decent blog.  Well a decent blog every here and there.  I want to thank everyone who has ever read one of my posts and to those who are reading it tonight.  With my return I promise to give you a huge variety of topics to read.  Some may be random but it's my blog so just deal with it...pretty please! Now I shall leave you, for I am extremely tired and need to sleep.  So hello to the old readers and welcome to the new!  Be patient my little ones for this new year will bring a new me and certainly a bunch of new posts. 

Advice for life.

Life doesn't rhyme.  Your first kiss isn't as important as your last.  Get caught in the rain.  Laugh out loud while you're alone.  Go on adventures and get lost.  Paint even though you're not an artist.  Really get to know people.  Accept that you will fail that one math test.  Get your heart broken and put the pieces together.  Put your hand up in class only to get the answer wrong.  Wonder about things.  Learn.  Remember that sunrises are free.  Let the little things that usually bore you entertain you.  Work bad hair days.  Get drunk and tell people how you really feel at 4 a.m.  Try out for the team.  Have feelings for your best friend.  Believe that everything happens for a reason.  Look at the stars and finally realize just how small you are.  Travel for a year and look at the world differently when you come back.  Eat that red velvet cupcake.  never regret anything because at one time it was exactly what you wanted.  Forgive and forget.  Don't hold anything back.  Live for the music and the moments.  Because nobody lives forever, and life is really, really short.

Happiness consumes the soul.

Do you ever have a moment in your life where you are so happy nothing could ruin it?  No person, grade, or incident could possibly bring you down?  You are in a state of euphoria and no one can touch you?  Well I am pleased to say that this is currently where I am in my life right now.  So many things have happened to me in the past few months that I truly thought it would be a long time before I was happy.  But slowly I was able to get my life together, all on my own.  Some days I struggled, but knowing that one day everything would be good made me want to never give up.  My life is nowhere near perfect, but perfect is not what I was aiming for.  I wanted happiness, clarity, and above all, to feel free.  I can successfully say I have achieved that.  I believe that this past weekend was what allowed me to realize this.  I saw friends, made friends, and had a great time.  I did not care about anything except me.  I made some agreements this weekend that I hope happen.  I made friends that I hope to hang out more with. But the best was that I made myself my first priority and that is what truly matters.  So if you feel down now, let me be the first to tell you that it will get better.  It will happen when you least expect it.  One day you will wake up and feel different.  You will be smiling for no reason.  It is in that moment right there that you are free.  Your life is amazing.  So give it time.  If you ever feel like you cannot handle it just remember that it will be better.  Focus on that like I did and before you know it you will be happier then you could have ever dreamed.

Also another reason I am so happy is because I acquired a free case of Capri Sun.  Which by the way is literally the best thing ever.  Well next to potatoes, chocolate, men, and shoes that is.

You are.

You know that feeling?
When you're just waiting.
Waiting to get home, into your room,
close the door, fall into bed,
and just let everything out that you kept in all day.
That feeling of both relief and desperation.
Nothing is wrong.
But nothing is right either.
And you're tired.
Tired of everything, tired of nothing.
And you just want someone to
be there and tell you it's okay.
But no one's going to be there.
And you know you have to be strong
for yourself, because no one can fix you.
But you're tired of waiting.
Tired of having to be the one to fix yourself and everyone else.
Tired of being strong.
And for once, you just want it to be easy.
To be simple. To be helped. To be saved.
But you know you won't be.
But you're still hoping.
And you're still wishing.
And you're still staying strong and fighting,
with tears in your eyes.
You're fighting.